Between the Lines, by Diane Lines, February 27, 2015

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I have of late come to the conclusion that what I learned in those far-off days, when there were fewer cars, bikes (yes, really) and pedestrians, is of no use whatsoever now.

I have therefore put together a (by no-means exhaustive) cut-out-and-keep guide of the new rules in case you, like me, have had difficulties.

1. If you are sitting at a red traffic light, which subsequently changes to amber then to green, sit for several seconds longer. Then, scrabble around for a bit, decide to put your car in gear, stutter off, and, hey presto. the light will have changed back to red again ready for the next person in the queue of what is by now eight cars. The best place to do this is at the turning on to London Road from St James’ Road in Lynn.

2. Staying with Lynn – should you be approaching the chaos that is the road works on Edward Benefer Way, at the top of Loke Road – ignore all the warning signs that are there for your benefit. So, don’t get into the right lane should you wish to go in to town.

Instead, shoot up on the inside where there isn’t so much traffic, then aggressively poke your bonnet in to the waiting cars and annoy everyone else. Another good wheeze is to block the junction for cars trying to get out of Loke Road. That means that everybody is gridlocked.

3. Something I notice a lot in West Norfolk, with its many excellent cycle paths, is the fact ‘serious’ cyclists don’t seem to use them. So, the procedure is that cyclists wearing Lycra which leaves very little to the imagination travel alongside the designated cycle path; cars travelling the same way must pull out to the right, thereby nearly colliding with the cars coming in the opposite direction.

4. If you are a pedestrian you must be completely oblivious to everything. It is absolutely obligatory to amble in and out of fast-moving traffic, despite the presence of nearby crossings. If you are a jogger this works well too. I mustn’t forget parents with pushchairs.

It is quite de rigueur now to stand in the middle of a busy road, having an animated conversation on the mobile phone, while a small person in a pushchair sits in a maelstrom of cars, vans and heavy goods vehicles.

5. If you are thinking of going to visit Sandringham and you encounter a queue of traffic, do try overtaking on the bend where you can’t see a bloomin’ thing coming in the opposite direction.

Of course this is only a small sample of the new Highway Code and is no substitute for reading it yourself.