Big Eye, November 11, 2014

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It’s been a dickey’s age since Mr Bell invented his telephone and attempted to make the first ultimately abortive communication.

Eerily prophetic, it was at this point that he realised it was useless until he’d produced another to receive the call. Now, after that dodgy start, issues with connections were just about resolved until some bright spark decided that ‘mobile’ telephones

were the future.

Until this point almost every home had a phone line and provided you paid your bill, there was constant access to the network. But having relinquished that reliable system we are now subject to the commercial whims of mobile telecom giants that really couldn’t care less if West Norfolk has access to the stunning benefits provided by a 3G or 4G signal.

If you’re a Londoner or inhabit one of the other major conurbations in the UK you’ll be blissfully complacent about the huge benefits bestowed upon you by major network providers as they vie with each other to ensure that you continue your inane babble with your chums uninterrupted or share pics of someone’s plastered girlfriend lying in the gutter on a Saturday night.

But it isn’t just Norfolk’s mobile phone coverage that has been hugely neglected by the telecoms industry; we’re all still lumbering about in the dark ages when it comes to broadband connections

in countless rural parts of the county too. Village after village doesn’t even have access to a basic reliable connection let alone experience the supposed ‘joys’ of fibre optics.

What makes me even more furious is the endless adverts on telly and in the press featuring a variety of chirpy minor celebrities and that flippin’ Yorkshireman telling me with absolute certainty WHY I must get myself connected and marvel at the glories of the superfast internet. If good communications systems are significant to the success of businesses then we, as rural communities, are being deliberately hampered because in terms of the financial success of ‘The Big Five’, we’re an insignificant backwater. We don’t count, we’re a minor market and of minimal interest to them. We hear lame excuses from government business leaders who’ve made promises about speeding up the process and mooted the idea of funding for rural connections but progress is miserably slow and in the current financial meltdown is unlikely to ever be prioritised.

As always, Vampire London has it all, sucking £billions from the provinces while the gormless peasants wandering about the countryside with their backsides hanging out of their trousers, are subsidising them. You won’t find a single square inch of London without 4G phone connections or fibre optics but hundreds of square miles of Norfolk have almost no signal for even 2G.

Alexander Graham Bell has a lot to answer for but at least he never exaggerated his abilities. Everything Everywhere ... Except Norfolk!