Cistern overload! But where will it all end?

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I blame the puppies. I’m not sure why, exactly, but they’re the ones who used to go running around with the stuff, getting into all kinds of mischief. I strongly suspect they had a paw in it somewhere.

In what, I hear you say? Well, funny you should say that, and thanks for asking. But it appears a certain well-known brand of loo roll has, er, shrunk.

Time was, when all was pink and fluffy (or white, magnolia, or blue and fluffy, depending on your choice), you used to get 240 sheets to a roll. Now, however, you only get 220.

Crikey! I know we’re meant to be cutting back in most places these days, but ... there?! What are we supposed to be doing – making shorter visits to the little boys’ and girls’ room? Look, I get it that we’re meant to be reducing waste these days, but come on – this is ridiculous!

And how are we meant to cut down on that sort of thing, exactly? Blimey, don’t even think it!

Oh, hang on a minute. Have I got the wrong end of the quilted perforated sheet, here? Is this supposed to be an issue with the manufacturer’s product? That is, are we supposed to be over-using?

Good Lord, whatever next – limiting us to five sheets a session, or something?! Why don’t we just go the whole hog and start using cut-up pieces of newspaper, like they used to in the old days?

The bottom really would fall out of the toilet paper market then, wouldn’t it?! But that’s not the half of it ... our own bottoms would turn black!

And by the way, I know they say that today’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chip paper, but I think that transferring the same ethos to the smallest room is a step too far, myself. Regardless of what certain unkind cynics might think about it being ideally suited! (that’s cruel, that is – it’s bad enough that it ends up on the bottom of the hamster’s cage!).

And how do I know this stuff about fewer sheets to the loo roll, I hear you ask? Did I get bored one day, and unravel one, and count it? What do you think I am – one of those puppies?

No, they’re quite brazen about it, you know (the manufacturers, I mean, not the puppies) ... it says so on the packaging. No, silly, there isn’t an attention-grabbing flash in bright colours saying: “New and unimproved – now with even fewer sheets!” Although that would at least be refreshingly honest.

Where’s it all going to stop, that’s what I want to know. It’s bad enough that there are certain water-saving campaigns, urging you flush less frequently. Can I just suggest that there are certain things we perhaps shouldn’t be trying to cut back on? “If it’s yellow, let it mellow”?? Oh, please!!

Whatever next – toilets with ejector seats, to make sure you don’t spend too long in there? It doesn’t bear thinking about!

Yes, I know that the toilet paper industry isn’t exactly alone in having ever-decreasing product size. And no, since you ask, I’ve never, ever forgiven the confectionary companies for making all my favourite chocolate bars smaller and smaller.

Now that really IS hitting below the belt!