Ruby Tuesday - Mangled words requirified
There were raised eyebrows when one of Ruby’s colleagues arrived in the office with a metal detector. Turned out she was not on the track of King John’s jewels but had borrowed it to search her fields for a shoe which her horse had lost. It worked, the missing shoe was retrieved and is now back on the horse. Not exactly treasure trove but bearing in mind the cost of a replacement still a valuable find, she said.
See, this is what we have to put up with - particularly at this time of year. “******** is showing Santa how to go green this Christmas and slash his CO2 emissions by trading his sleigh for a ****** ecoFLEX van. Estimates suggest the famous team of fully-grown reindeer pulling his sleigh emits a colossal 53,667 tonnes of CO2* during his annual 195,200,000km trip around the world, which works out at 275g/km. The journey also requires an enormous quantity of milk and carrots. The ****** ecoFLEX, which is built in Britain, offers CO2 emissions of 174g/km, meaning Santa would emit 33,965 tonnes of carbon dioxide – cutting his current emissions by 37 per cent. The company is offering Santa the chance to get behind the wheel of its Vivaro 2.0CDTI 2700 with competitive leasing rates starting from just £199.99 per month excluding VAT. The van also has a pulling power of 115PS, far greater than that of eight reindeer.” And so it goes on... Ruby has withheld the name of the car firm behind such a desperate plea for space in a newspaper to avoid giving them further publicity. I mean, the elephant in the room - or should I say reindeer - is obvious. How on earth does a van, unlike Rudolph and pals, get up on the roof?
No, that’s not the way it works. At the height of Friday’s second burst water main incident in a few weeks one of our neighbours came into our reception to ask if they could use our loo as their’s was not working. Duh... if you’re not working then how would we be? Actually forewarned is forearmed as far as we’re concerned, so a notice was placed on toilet doors here at Lynn News Towers to ask people to make sure they did not leave taps in the on position during the water cut. Last time someone didn’t and the place was flooded from the ladies upstairs toilet.
More on the burst water main. A fire engine turned up in Norfolk Street during the emergency. Someone thought it was being flooded, which I suppose it was but not from any natural causes, as it were.
West Norfolk Magistrates’ Court in Lynn has joined airports in implementing stringent security precautions on people entering with bottles of liquid. People going into the court now have to prove that their bottles are full of water and not petrol after a defendant elsewhere in the country decided to try a bit of on-the-spot arson.
A friend of Ruby’s is a hardworking police officer and has shared this nugget overheard while booking in a suspect. Custody sgt: “Do you have any health conditions.” Suspect: “Just a bit of short term memory loss.” Sgt: “Anything else? Suspect: “Yes sergeant. I also suffer a bit of short term memory loss.”
One of Ruby’s best young friends form upstairs in advertising went to view a house recently and came back to the office to declare the putative home had brilliant “quarantine tiles”. We think she meant quarried, but who can tell?
Another of Ruby’s upstairs advertising pals asked his daughter Lyla where tigers lived and the two-year-old gave an answer that David Attenborough would have been satisfied with. Relaying the story to his colleagues, one opined that tigers came from the Outback and the other one didn’t have a clue.
A reader has been logged as complaining that we should not be calling the Business Directory, delivered free with the Norfolk Citizen, a directory because it is incomplete. What of? Supermarkets. Well, excuse us. Grand though they are, we think they can probably fend for themselves.
Overwhelmated, prolongated, requierified, bewilderfied and confirmated. Not to mention overwhelmation. All words that are being used in the Lynn News advertising department just to annoy pedantic rep Tom who hates words being misused. If you would like to annoy Tom please send in other examples of mangled English that just could be true.
Mind you they have a lot to put up with these days. A rep put on the end of the copy for the advert “Look forward to see what you come up with x”. Back came the advert for the TV company with, you’ve guessed it, “Look forward to......”
Look you lot, you’re usually very good coming to Ruby’s aid when she asks you something but you seem to have been very quiet about why the retail park off the Hardwick Road in Lynn has been christened St Hilary’s Park. My extensive research (Wikipedia and Catholicism Online) tells me that St Hilary or Hilarius (the name means happy) of Poitiers was known as the Hammer of the Arians (a rival sect to the Catholics in the early church) who declared the Roman emperor the Antichrist for disagreeing with him and expelling him from Milan.
What all that’s got to do with the Hardwick Road, I’ve no idea.
There is a St Hilary’s in Cornwall. Perhaps someone went on holiday there.
n Lucy was to be found out and about at the turning on of the Lynn lights in the centre pages of the paper last Tuesday.
She was spotted by eagle-eyed Ms S J Everitt, of Middleton, who wins £10. Well done!
And Ruby can officially say that she was in no way influenced by the fact that Ms Everitt sent in a nice Christmas card addressed to “Ruby Tuesday and staff”. As if I would have staff!
Lucy is again hidden on one of the 48 pages of this week’s Tuesday Lynn News.
Cut her out and send to Lynn News Lucy, Lynn News, Limes House, Purfleet Street, King’s Lynn PE30 1HL.
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Weather for King's Lynn
Sunday 26 May 2013
Temperature: 6 C to 18 C
Wind Speed: 13 mph
Wind direction: North west
Temperature: 7 C to 18 C
Wind Speed: 21 mph
Wind direction: South west