The Big Eye, Tuesday, June 21

It’s all really starting to kick off now as the fight for supremacy reaches fever pitch in cities across Europe as teams from all quarters consider tactics and seek out the weaknesses of their opponents on and off the pitch. It’s been gratifying to note that whatever the final outcome of the European football competition, our supporters out there have helped maintain our traditional British values and showed the world the kind of people we are when faced with foreigners and only equipped with nine pints of lager and a stack of café chairs.

As someone who isn’t able to comprehend exactly why getting more goals in the net is for many, an all-consuming passion, it has been hard to remain calm whilst nightly news reports document the violent antics of a huge number of drunken, tattooed and bare-chested morons as they scrap with French authorities and rival fans. There’s no accounting for taste and if that’s what floats your boat and the appeal of being able to thump the hell out of a load of equally intoxicated Russians excites you, who am I to criticise your lifestyle choices? I’m just happy that you’ve found some meaning in your pitifully vacuous lives and even happier to see French CRS riot squads dish out their own brand of rough justice back at Le Gendarmerie.

Obviously, this inclusive and encompassing sporting event was always envisioned as a means of bringing nations together in a spirit of healthy competition and hopefully, despite the violence, the outcome will be some serious kudos for the host nation and the winning team and good luck to them all.

With a bit of imagination it is possible to see comparisons between the goals sought by the footie players and the rival political teams slugging it out to achieve the ultimate goal for UK United…. A Brexit or a Bremain for us in Europe! The bickering is reaching a crescendo and supporters have behaved utterly disgracefully on both sides as they probe their opponents’ defences and dream up dubious facts and tactics to disrupt and demoralise the other side. And although the chair chucking may not reach the levels of violence seen of the streets of Lille, the debris from their battles and the bruises they have sustained feature on every news bulletin.

Disappointingly, I fear we are unable to recruit a political version of the French CRS to police these ugly confrontations. It would cheer me up no end to watch them wade in with riot shields to administer a judicious ‘duffing up’ to the fibbers and the cheaters every time they step over the line and conjure up more scaremongering titbits lightly disguised as ‘facts’!

Bearing in mind the French police are tied up with controlling the rioters in Lille my other suggestion is, in the event of a draw, we encourage both sides to settle this critical argument with a full-scale pitch invasion armed only with street furniture and six packs of lager….