To Be Frank, December 30, 2014: More questions than answers

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I’m not always a big fan of what often passes for e-mail “funnies” – the stuff that gets shovelled into your inbox, by people who seem to take a peculiar glee in burdening every person in their address book with their own idea of humour.

They usually urge you to do the same, so there can be something like 50 addresses at the top of the e-mail.

I know I’m fair game, because I write a newspaper column, but do most people want strings of total strangers knowing their e-mail address? And you wonder why you get spam and e-mail scams!

So I was impressed to receive an e-mail from reader Brian Baylis which had this on the bottom: “Dear friends! BEFORE you send or forward an e-mail, DELETE first ALL addresses of senders.”

Yes! And there was me thinking that The Other Half and I were the only ones who bothered to do that. Stay electronically safe, and don’t be a New Year numpty by carelessly passing on seasonal funnies!

There are occasionally exceptions to the rule – e-mail funnies that are actually amusing, if not laugh-out-loud hilarious. And I’m indebted to another reader, Joy Pearce for what follows.

So raise a toast to whatever 2015 may bring, and have a New Year chortle with these unanswerable questions ...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then are electricians delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If people from Poland are Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, then shouldn’t a person who drives a racing car be called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? And if it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what are the others here for?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are weak?

Why do banks charge a fee for insufficient funds when they know you have no money?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Whose cruel idea was it to put a “s” in the word lisp? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Do you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Why is it that whenever you try to catch something that’s falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

And finally, one that really takes the biscuit. Why do people constantly return to the fridge in the hope something new to eat will suddenly have materialised?!