To Be Frank: No tricks, just treats

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Like it or not, we live in a politically-correct world these days – there’s no getting away from it.

Frankly I’m amazed the PC police haven’t tapped me on the shoulder already, for confessing in these pages that I only watch TV chef Lorraine Pascale’s programmes because she’s gorgeous. I mean, she is a former international top model, but hey.

That’s still no reason for me not to be stoned to death with rock cakes, now is it?

Incidentally, in the lovely Lazza’s latest show, she teaches people who are hopeless in the kitchen how to cook.

Lorraine’s speciality, I should add, is cakes. By an amazing coincidence, so is mine – eating them, I mean. I know what you’re thinking – and The Other Half was thinking it, too.

“I should put your name forward for the next series,” she said.

“I know ... but I wouldn’t actually be able to learn anything,” I said, ruefully. “You’d just stand there dribbling, wouldn’t you?” said The Other Half. “Yes,” I said.

But sorry, I digress. Astonishing, considering that we were talking about both Lorraine Pascale and cakes, but there you go.

Where was I? Oh yes – our PC world. So to speak.

Well, we’ve got a corker of a politically-correct event coming up on Friday, haven’t we? Yes – Halloween, and trick-or-treating.

Where do you start with this one? If encouraging young children to roam the streets at night wasn’t bad enough, we get them to dress up in disguise and demand stuff with menaces.

Yes, complete strangers banging on your door, and insisting you hand over your supplies of chocolate! How cruel is that?!

What sort of a lesson does it teach these impressionable young minds? Don’t even go there!

There is, however, a politically-correct way round this, you know. Oh yes.

If demanding stuff from total strangers is clearly wrong, then what would be right? Why, giving them stuff, of course! And what a fine lesson it would be for the youngsters of today to teach them that it’s so much better to give than to receive!

So here’s what I propose. Young children can still have all the fun of dressing up in Halloween costumes. But they should be the ones to take copious supplies of chocolate with them – so they can hand them over to the people whose doors they knock on!

Obviously it wouldn’t be quite the same if kids ended up handing goodies to other kids – that would make the redistribution of chocolatey wealth just a bit daft. So they’d have to make sure they gave them to people, oh, I don’t know, around my age. It’s a win-win situation! Youngsters will learn how wonderful it is just to give – and people they call on get free chocolate!

I’ll be waiting by my front door come Friday with bated breath.

This giving lark might even catch on, you know. You could even make it an annual event. Or has someone thought of that already?