To Be Frank by Frank Edmonds: February 10, 2015

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It’s fast approaching that time of year again. It’s looming. I can feel it in the air. In fact, I can almost smell it.

No, I don’t mean Valentine’s Day! Although that is on Saturday, I’ll give you that. But I dread to think what Valentine’s Day smells like. In fact, don’t even go there.

I’m old school when it comes to Valentine’s Day. No, sorry – not what you’re thinking. Even older school than that. I trace my feelings on the subject back to Marlon of The Perishers, who used to cry: “Yeuk!” and run in the opposite direction whenever Maisie approached, lips outstretched.

Of course, that attitude is so politically incorrect now – or should I say romantically incorrect – you could probably be shot for it. In fact, I fear I can glimpse The Other Half out of the corner of my eye, approaching at five paces, frying pan in hand – so I’d better change the subject. Very quickly. So no then, I didn’t mean that most wonderful day, for which I am naturally planning an astonishingly romantic surprise of movie rom-com proportions (There! Did that sound convincing?).

Well, what, then? Pancake Day? Yay, good call! I like the cut of your jib, sir! But no. You’re never far from a Pancake Day – sometimes several! – in this house.

See, I sort of quite like pancakes, so rather than a Day it’s more like a Pancake Life, here.

Incidentally, I had a delicious banana waffle – with toffee and chocolate sauce, cream and ice cream – the other day! Do you think we could have a Waffle Day, as well? No? Oh well, just a thought. Spoilsport!

So what else is coming up? Well, there’s The Mart ... Ah! We all know what that means! Yes! Mart weather!

And we’ve had a touch of that already, haven’t we? Only the other day, I was sitting there, staring anxiously out of the window, first thing in the morning, after it had gone all Christmas-card on us with the white stuff the night before.

No, I wasn’t eagerly waiting to build a snowman! Good call, but, er ... you’re about 50 years too late. No, see, I’d made a pact with my fellow delivery driver at work, that if one of us was working when there was a lot of white stuff around, the other one would come in to give them a hand.

I think it’s what our American cousins might call a lose-lose situation! It snows – there’s no escape, you’re automatically working, even if you weren’t supposed to be. That’s not the attitude though, is it? No. Although that is suspiciously close to what goes through your mind when you’re faced with it ...

So I look at the weather forecast, for my specific location at this specific hour ... and it says “heavy snow.” Well, great. Thanks a bunch! Hang on, though. Is that sun I see outside?

Phew! Let’s raise a toast to the accuracy of our weather forecasters! Cheers! Nice one!

So anyway, no, not Mart weather. And not the Mart itself. But you are desperately close now.

Yes, it’s the shouts and screams of happy, smiling ... me, as I make my way to the pink-and-white nougat stall! Oh, yes! Pink-and-white time is here! Bring it on!