To Be Frank, by Frank Edmonds, May 12, 2015

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I’m thinking of starting a new campaign. This follows the runaway success of my campaign to get people to smile more. Oh, come on, you must have noticed – everywhere you go, people simply beaming from ear to ear?

You haven’t? Oh, right. OK, then. Let’s start again.

I’m thinking of starting a new campaign, which follows the complete and utter, total wretched failure of my last campaign, to get people to smile more.

There? Better? You happy now? Sigh ...

Anyway, my new campaign is, I am overwhelmingly convinced, bound to strike a chord with fed-up foodies, depressed dieters and unsatisfied stomachs everywhere.

It is this: Say No To Salad!

I was thinking of calling my campaign Leave Out Lettuce, until some unkind wag pointed out that it would abbreviate to LOL.

Personally, I thought this was extremely appropriate, because laugh out loud is exactly what I want to do when confronted with a plate piled high with lettuce. Say No To Salad it is. I had wondered about Stamp Out Salad – which gives you that ever-popular abbreviation, SOS. But then I pictured what a nasty mess salad would make on your shoes if you went round stamping it out, and thought better of it.

Why have I got such a downer on salad? Oh come on! What is there to like about salad, exactly? It’s just a big plate of nothing, isn’t it? When was the last time you ploughed through an enormous pile of green stuff, and declared: “My, that was really satisfying!”??

Or: “Yum, yum, that was great! Can I have some more salad, please?”

We’ve been brainwashed into thinking salad is good for us, so there we sit, feeling all noble and pleased with ourselves, slowly and laboriously piling through a five-mile-high mound of lettuce, while all the time we’re really thinking, God I really deserve an especially big piece of chocolate cake after getting through this!

Ah, what about salad dressing? That can make it really tasty! Now stop right there. Just think about what you’re saying. If salad is so bland and uninteresting that the only way to make it palatable is to drown it in something with a bit of taste to it, don’t you think there’s a fatal flaw to eating the stuff in the first place?

And salad creeps in everywhere these days, to places it doesn’t really belong, doesn’t it? OK look, there’s an attractive little mound of salad next to your burger! No! It’s only there to fill the plate up, as an excuse to give you fewer chips! And let’s face it, you’re only going to leave it anyway, so what’s the point?

No. The time has come to Say No To Salad, to laugh out loud at lettuce, and to boldly say to your waiter or waitress: “Never mind about all that green stuff, thanks – could I just have a nice big plate of chips instead, please?”