From West Norfolk's fastest bowlers to the slowest
Following the success of the Lynn News who is the fastest of them all accolade, this week we turn our attentions to the winners of the sister trophy.
We sought the slowest bowlers in West Norfolk in living memory.
Two must be accorded an honourable mention, Bert Marlow of Hockwold and, according to his publican in West Acre, Colin Bear.
However, the standout winners were, in no special order, former Springwood and Castle Rising stalwart Steve Hayes and Andrew Jarvis of Hillington.
We arranged therefore a verbal shootout between these two wizards and necromancers of the dark arts of very, very slow bowling.
We held a question-and-answer session to see the pride, the cunning and the ruthless will to win that has guided their lives and maybe their cricket careers.
Which of you is slower and greater?
Hayes: Look in the book! And the Lynn News called me the Spin King.
Jarvis: Got to be Jarvis on both counts, but Hayes talks a better game.
Who taught you to bowl like this?
Hayes: How could anyone teach me?
Jarvis: It was natural.
Did you get your wickets through flight, guile or both?
Hayes: Flight, guile and fear.
Jarvis: Flight, guile and a good umpire.
Is it true that, like a fighter pilot, you liked to attack from the sun?
Hayes: Yes!
Jarvis: Never.
Mr Hayes, can you bowl a googly and Mr Jarvis, can you bowl a chinaman?
Hayes: No but I watch Gogglebox.
Jarvis: One against Sandringham. Mike Hazel was aghast.
Have you ever reached the other end before the ball?
Hayes: Running was never my strength.
Jarvis: Dug a mole out of the ground once.
What is the best ball you ever bowled?
Hayes: My flighted dipper against Tony Adams, ex- England skipper (football). Very good batsman. He was approaching 50 (run,s not age) and it was my third ball to him. Flighted dipper.
Jarvis: Every wicket.
What are your best figures? Don’t pretend you don’t know.
Hayes: 8 for 22.
Jarvis: 8 for 20 against Bead Engineering Social Club in 1979.
What are you thinking as the ball travels to the other end?
Hayes: Getting another wicket.
Jarvis: Nearly time for a beer.
What is the batsman thinking?
Hayes: Batsman doesn’t know what to think
Jarvis: Shall I hit it for four or six?
What is the wicket keeper thinking?
Hayes: Oh no! If I miss a chance he’ll never let me forget it
Jarvis: Come on... hurry up ball.... will it... oh no.
Do you plan your diet at tea time?
Hayes: If it’s a good one, no plan.
Jarvis: Always ate well. Harry Bix style.
Do you like a strong wind after tea?
Hayes: I like the wind behind me now.
Jarvis: If there was pork pie at tea.
Did a batsman bowled by you say, “well bowled old boy” or I don’t believe it”.
Hayes: I don’t believe it.
Jarvis: Well bowled old boy.
Did you ever bowl a bouncer?
Hayes: Does it count if it bounced four times?
Jarvis: Flat pitch at Hillington.
In your repertoire did you posses a straight ball?
Hayes: They were always straight.
Jarvis: They were always straight. Best way to out think the batsman.
Did you get movement in the air, off the pitch, both or neither?
Hayes: Both.
Jarvis: It was windy once or twice.
Why did you take so many wickets?
Hayes: Mr Hayes preferred not to answer this question on legal advice.
Jarvis: They thought it was Christmas.
Who was your rabbit?
Hayes: I didn’t have a rabbit, I had a warren.
Jarvis: Steve Hayes.
Who hit you the furthest?
Hayes: Mark Jarvis (no relation), but I got my own back another time.
Jarvis: Charlie Redmayne of Eton Ramblers. He had a look for two balls.
In our opinion, these two great players are equally deserving of the trophy, so we will melt it down and divide the solid silver between them.
But we will retain it for a short period in case of serious objections from our readership.
The period will be at the sports editor’s discretion but it will definitely be in his lifetime.
